What's new...

Ah, the rant! The self-indulgent, selfish, explosion of thought and feeling that is best kept to one's self. But, that always seems to be a good idea at the time. Well, it's that time again kiddies! Grrrrrrr, grrrrrrrrrrr, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

So, what's on my mind this time? The deep inner frustration of having a non-compliant body in a world that worships compliant ones. You know, those lucky  few who, through either genes or force of habit, keep themselves thin as a stick insect. Ah, how my life would be different if I were a stick insect. Not better, mind you (well, maybe...) but different. The grass is greener, isn't it....?

So in my quest for the solution to my fatness problem, I have come across the idea that obesity and compulsive eating are actually symptoms of someone who is malnourished. This idea appealed to me and made quite a bit of sense, for if your body isn't getting the nutrients it needs, it could kick up a big fuss by way of cravings and compulsions to eat all sorts of things to keep from dying. I like to think that the cells of the body have the drive to survive. Why would anything give up the ghost if it didn't have to?

This all seems compounded by the fact that our food supply is now bereft of the vitamins and minerals that we really need to allow us to be robustly healthy. And, if you believe my sources (Mercola, David Wolfe) a little bit of supplementation just won't cut it. You need a LOT!

So, there's the rub! What do you take, how much do you need and how long do you take it?!? Hmmmmmm.... still working on that.

All this is on top of the usual eat right and exercise advice. Per my last post, I'm still not exercising. Naughty, naughty me....

In my quest for better nutrition I have implemented two new protocols (I'm not sure what else to call them). The first is a raw milk and probiotic meal. One glass (12-16 oz.) of raw cows milk with two tablespoons of lactobacillus acidophilus culture mixed in, twice a day on an empty stomach. I do it first thing in the morning and the last thing before I go to bed. I have heard many good things about raw milk being helpful with Candida and improving the immune system. 

The second is a lemonaid mixture that is full of tinctures and various nutrients that I drink throughout the day. Included in my mixture are lypospheric™ Vitamin C, MSM, L-aspartic acid, wormwood, pau d'arco and walnut tinctures, Miracle II neutralizer and Chlorophyll.

I'm hoping to be able to take very large amounts of the lypospheric Vitamin C as it has been used to heal people of all kinds of things. It's a bit expensive at around $30 per pack of 30. I'd like to take 5 packets a day or so and see if things improved. I take one of two a day right now. I must admit I do feel a bit better after taking it for 2 weeks. Not quite so tired as usual with better energy during the day.

I got started on the high dose Vitamin C business after seeing this very interesting 60 Minutes report on a man who was cured of a deadly form of swine flu and his leukaemia as well. His story is a cautionary tale of the idiocy of the mainstream health community. But, very enjoyable since he won out in the end.

That's all for now....

Onward

OK, so I've been MIA for weeks now working on a new project that I hope will help me financially and get me out of the funk I've been in. New projects always help a bit as I enjoy the creative process. More on that later maybe...

I crawled back onto the Schwarzbien diet (after visiting my folks and cheating every single day) and it did very well for a couple weeks and then stalled out on me like it did before mainly because I want more carbohydrates than she suggests. Wheat is now my primary downfall along with coffee. Crackers have been calling to me every single day and unfortunately, I listen. Gluten is not my friend. Perhaps EFT will be helpful here.

I used EFT and quit coffee yet AGAIN about 3 months ago and was doing very well until I decided to take a trip up north to visit the rental units and was running around like a banshee and stooped to coffee to get me through the day. BIG mistake. I'm now back in the complete thrall of coffee. Will I ever learn....?

And exercise is just not on the agenda, although it should be, really must be, has to be.... really. I know I need to do it, and every day I just blow it off. I fear the pain.... I know it will be painful; hideously horribly horrendously painful. My sluggishness is my shame...

All diets do better with exercise. I hate myself for being such a pleasure creature. Being so ruined from exercise that it's hard to sit down and get up from the toilet makes me squirm away in fear and avoidance. My sweet sister just joined a local gym and after 2 weeks has stopped going because the pain from all the new exercise just laid her out. She's not ever fat!  Just shoot me....

The long list of minor (and not so minor) insanities...

So, it's been a week or so and I've been hacking away with EFT on as many of my issues as I have been able to get to and I must say I'm feeling much better than I was a couple weeks ago when I was having a serious emotional meltdown. Things keep coming up on a regular basis though and I expect that to continue for quite awhile. To be honest, I have a hit-list of complaints, aches and issues that I'm going to mention here as a guide for later on in the hopes that many of them will become distant memories in the future.

So, here goes;

Depression
Obesity
Dandruff
Itchy skin
Chronic Fatigue
Fibromyalgia
Self-hatred
Candidiasis
Hypoglycemia
Alcoholism (I'm listing it because I drink and have a family history, not because I'm a full blown alcoholic. I could drink less or quit and it would be better for me, no question about it. Clearly, drinking is a problem.)
Hypothyroid
Aching feet
Injured right knee (never healed right from last July)
Injured neck (from childhood, stiff and sore)
Anger
Gums going bad
Vaginal yeast infection
Shoulder injury never healed
Muscle cramps (these drive me crazy!)
Nearsightedness
Losing close up vision too (Ah, old age is a bummer)
Self pity (really ugly)
Swollen ankles
Brain fog

There are more and I will add them to this list as they come up. I hope to be able to cross a few of these off the list in the coming months. Wish me luck!

Self Hatred and my Obesity

Perhaps the most overlooked aspect of food issues is self-hatred and loathing. I cannot remember a time in my life when I ever esteemed myself in any healthy way and it has plagued me throughout my adult life. I've lost jobs, friends, relationships and opportunities of all kinds to my self-loathing and for no good reason. And there is no reason really as I'm not a bad person.

My self-hatred finds any little thing to focus on and use as an excuse for beratement. It's like some compulsive OCD tape playing over and over in my head how stupid I am, how ridiculous, so boring, such a loser, etc. Honestly, it's not even true, which is the most ridiculous part of it. I know that I'm not stupid or boring. I just hate myself relentlessly and I take it out on myself with food and inactivity. I'm always denying myself good things, I don't go anywhere or meet new people. Well, OK, that is boring, but that's my punishment for hating myself so well. I don't deserve anything interesting. It's making me nutty.

I spent the past few days obsessing over what I am going to do regarding my ongoing obesity, which is at an absolute crisis point in my opinion. It's now or never. I'm 50 years old and if I don't solve it now I never will. I know I need to reinvent myself and I've failed so many times that I'm really panicking. I know how I am with this issue, I do very well for awhile and then it all starts to crumble and I get discouraged and depressed and start eating and freaking out and finally give up and go back to my usual nonsense.

So, I was racking my brain trying to figure out how I was going to tackle this issue and succeed and I spent hours and hours consulting my trusty tarot cards (another one of my compulsive pursuits) and finally it all came down to my self-hatred. As long as I hate myself, I will fail.

So now what? I've been trying to not hate myself for years and failed there too.

Several years ago I discovered EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and used it successfully for some physical symptoms I was having, but I never really was able to crack the nut of my compulsive eating. Straight on attacks at my food issues have been a bust for me. According to my tarot readings, my weight will go down ONLY if I stop hating myself. So now, I think I'll have to take a whack at self-hatred and see if it doesn't help. Dearest God, I hope so...  I really don't know how much longer I can take being so fat.

FYI - EFT is a simple technique that involves tapping gently on the meridian points of the body while saying specific affirmations on the issues you wish to relieve. It's like acupuncture without the needles. You can get free information about EFT on their web site and download a free manual to help you figure it out. They also have a free newsletter.

I am a sugar addict

Welcome to my madness....

After much reflection I have come to the conclusion that I am indeed a sugar addict. It's my crutch against all that ails me. It props me up and drags me down every single day of my life and I am as helpless against my cravings as any heroin addict. I have to get my fix every single day or I come undone. This is not a flattering picture that is emerging from my self examinations. My tolerance for my obesity is coming to a crisis point as I am now 50 years old and to wait any longer to finally confront my disease is sheer folly.

Sugar (and starch/carbohydrates) is deeply mood altering for me. A nice big dose of sugar lulls me into a delicious stupor and gives me a soothing high, a welcome relief from the stress of my everyday life. Cravings for sugar and carbs run my life. Guilty food pleasures are squirreled away, tucked into corners of the kitchen, slipped next to the bedside and stashed by my computer and TV. The cabinet over the stove I refer to the contraband cabinet as it holds my supply of chips and crackers.

My disease started when I was eight years old during a case of scarlet fever. I went into bed a thin hyper-active child and came out four weeks later, bloated and consumed with food. None of my clothes fit anymore and I could no longer sit on my knees at my desk at school because my legs were too fat. I remember being very confused about it at the time, but in typical child fashion I just got used to it. Pretty soon I had a gigantic stomach and looked like an egg on stilts. Puberty thinned me out for awhile, but by the time I graduated from college, I was having some real trouble controlling my weight. Now it's been 30 years of yo-yo dieting and I'm at an absolute impasse. Nothing has worked. Sugar controls me and I hate it...

So, life is a wacky trip....

An old friend of mine came to visit 2 days ago and ALL my bad habits reared up their ugly heads in her honor! I drank, I ate bad, BAD food like baked artichoke dip with crackers, I drank, I had a burrito with rice, I drank, (did I mention that I DRANK), I had dessert and then I drank again. I went home and collapsed into my bed and had a rotten night's sleep (which I deserved) and got up and had more artichoke dip (but didn't drink) and then my unsuspecting friend went home.

She knows about the diet, but I have a LONG history of eating and drinking with her and I didn't stray from the well beaten path there. Next time, and I'm sure there will be a next time, I'll get the food right anyway. No more artichoke dip with crackers and burritos.

I didn't even think about getting on the scale. I'm gonna be good for a few days more before I take a peek at the damage...

Old habits die HARD.... if they die at all, little buggers....

The new plan...

So, I've been wondering to myself what the heck I'm going to do about this whole coffee dilemma, and decided that I need to wean myself off the gigantic venti peppermint mocha latte I've been getting every morning at Starbucks. I love them, but I checked on the nutritional info and discovered that it contains a whopping 500 calories, 10 grams of fat, 81 grams of carbohydrate, and 17 grams of protein! Yikes, no wonder it tastes so good!

That 81 grams of carbohydrate alone is twice the amount of carb I'm supposed to be consuming every day. It's a wonder I lost any weight at all. Plus it's just a huge drain on my pocketbook. OK, so now I'm going back to making my own coffee at home with stevia and a little sugar and cream until I can cut it all back to nothing. Wish me luck, 'cause I'm gonna need it.

A setback....

So I picked up my sister, nephew and her husband at the airport in Orlando and to treat me they took me to Moon Fish, a local sushi place that has a ROCKIN' happy hour! I had a couple drinks and that set me off on a week long binge on sugar. Sigh... and of course, I'm still on coffee. So the weight hasn't budged from the 16 pounds I have lost total, so it wasn't a complete failure, but I'm disappointed in myself just the same.

I'm going to HAVE to break myself from my Starbucks habit and I'm going to have to do it soon. I tried last week and I was OK until about 6:30 pm when I found myself in the kitchen making a vodka cranberry. I have SUCH a sugar problem, it really astounds me! I don't even want to think how much sugar is in a Venti Peppermint Mocha Latte! It can't be good....

My sister recommends a lot of enemas, but I tell you, I just don't want to....

More later....