Thursday, June 17, 2010

Mystery weight gain

May I just say that getting on the bathroom scale makes me turn into a crazy person. I do NOT understand this body. I just don't get it. WHY do I keep putting on weight? Grrrrrrr, grrrrrrrrr.......

I just spent the last 2 hours perusing the metabolism and weight lifting books on Amazon, trying to get a handle on the insanity of an ever upward shifting of my weight. I know I'm doing it all wrong, I just don't know what will work....

Grrrrrr, grrrrrrrr.....

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Bathroom inspiration

I can't say WHY ideas always seem to come to me when I'm sitting on the pot, but true to form I had a tiny revelation yesterday on the origin of my emotional eating while evacuating my bowels. Some good came out with the bad, so to speak.

It occurred to me that the ability to bend oneself to the needs of others and live according to their rules and desires has a secret side effect; stuffing oneself with food. If you have to subjugate your own desires, those desires don't really go away and they still want release. Food is a convenient plug for the inconvenient desire. I imagine that there are lots of convenient plugs for inconvenient desires; drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping, chocolate, sex, starvation, cutting etc. Pick yer poison!

Own whole darn nation seems plugged up one way or another.

Food issues brings another level of insanity with it though, as food is necessary to live. I mean, you can give up drugs and alcohol with no ill effects. Giving up food is not really an option.

Contemplating a lifetime of giving myself over to the needs of everyone else makes me want to devour my refrigerator. When I think about it, almost everything I do is for someone else, even the invisible authority figure ones like the tax man and the bill collector. I'm trying to think of what I did for myself yesterday and I'll be darned that all I really did was feed myself.

What a sorry lot....

Saturday, May 29, 2010

The irritating facts regarding exercise

It's necessary, that's irritating enough really, but the point I'm trying to make is exactly how much and what type of exercise is the best and most effective. I've been mulling this whole business over for several weeks now, since I decided to put in a meditation and workout room in my formal dining room. A formal dining room is perhaps not the best room for me to have anyway (as it's an invitation to have dinner parties and make bad food).

There are several candidates; the Beachbody series, Dr. Al Sears Pace workout, yoga, Tai Chi, and free weights. Decisions, decisions.... I will probably be trying them all out to see what works.

I need some special flooring/mats as well and have been pricing those out. Not terribly expensive really since I only need 8'x8' of flooring.

The last time I worked out I was infuriated the entire time, so I expect that this will be a VERY frustrating experience for me across the board. I'm not looking forward to this even though I KNOW it will be incredibly helpful to me. I'm angry about it now and I'm only thinking about it, sigh.....  grrrrrrr...

Monday, May 24, 2010

More on the Secret part...

The one aspect of compulsive eating that I think goes across the board is the whole hidden act of eating. It's not enough to eat a regular meal with other people because the/my true desires about food are unacceptable. Who wants to see a loved one stuff their face? Not a chance.... I don't need their disapproval, I have plenty of my own going already.

Later, when all are away, the monster comes alive with it's needs. Ice Cream... now! Chips with sour cream.... now! Beer... now! And the thing that makes it all so disastrous is the stubbornness of the desire and the self-hatred that comes so quickly after the need has been met. The inner dialogue is just ridiculous too, arguing with myself endlessly over whether or not to have something, giving in and then hating myself for it. This goes on all... day... long...

My personal monster is craving; craving food, craving alcohol, craving sweets. It just goes WAY beyond desire. Desire can wait a bit. Craving is a monster with a huge unsatisfied appetite. No matter what I eat, it will never be enough. Disgusting, eh?

I'm working on it...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Why a secret blog?

Why indeed!

Because I don't want to have to explain anything to anyone about my feelings. I don't want to answer questions about why I feel the way I do. I just DO! I make NO apologies here, to friends or family. Strangers don't concern me as their feelings have no real impact on me. Love me or hate me, this is it and after a lifetime of being controlled by cravings for food I have the right to create my own little world where my feelings matter above all else.

Who am I? Who cares? I'm just like everyone else except I'm consumed with food. Depriving myself and indulging myself over and over and over...

My purpose is to have a safe place to talk about the insanity of the monster within that has compelled me to eat until I have become morbidly obese. I need a place to put down the ugliness of that monster, to reveal it's nasty face and to be relentlessly honest about how it has made me a crazy person who cannot cope with life.

And I can hardly cope at all....

So my secrets are going here, to be saved out in cyberspace for me and anyone else who cares to have a look. Don't say I didn't warn you, it won't be pretty....