The irritating facts regarding exercise

It's necessary, that's irritating enough really, but the point I'm trying to make is exactly how much and what type of exercise is the best and most effective. I've been mulling this whole business over for several weeks now, since I decided to put in a meditation and workout room in my formal dining room. A formal dining room is perhaps not the best room for me to have anyway (as it's an invitation to have dinner parties and make bad food).

There are several candidates; the Beachbody series, Dr. Al Sears Pace workout, yoga, Tai Chi, and free weights. Decisions, decisions.... I will probably be trying them all out to see what works.

I need some special flooring/mats as well and have been pricing those out. Not terribly expensive really since I only need 8'x8' of flooring.

The last time I worked out I was infuriated the entire time, so I expect that this will be a VERY frustrating experience for me across the board. I'm not looking forward to this even though I KNOW it will be incredibly helpful to me. I'm angry about it now and I'm only thinking about it, sigh.....  grrrrrrr...

More on the Secret part...

The one aspect of compulsive eating that I think goes across the board is the whole hidden act of eating. It's not enough to eat a regular meal with other people because the/my true desires about food are unacceptable. Who wants to see a loved one stuff their face? Not a chance.... I don't need their disapproval, I have plenty of my own going already.

Later, when all are away, the monster comes alive with it's needs. Ice Cream... now! Chips with sour cream.... now! Beer... now! And the thing that makes it all so disastrous is the stubbornness of the desire and the self-hatred that comes so quickly after the need has been met. The inner dialogue is just ridiculous too, arguing with myself endlessly over whether or not to have something, giving in and then hating myself for it. This goes on all... day... long...

My personal monster is craving; craving food, craving alcohol, craving sweets. It just goes WAY beyond desire. Desire can wait a bit. Craving is a monster with a huge unsatisfied appetite. No matter what I eat, it will never be enough. Disgusting, eh?

I'm working on it...

Why a secret blog?

Why indeed!

Because I don't want to have to explain anything to anyone about my feelings. I don't want to answer questions about why I feel the way I do. I just DO! I make NO apologies here, to friends or family. Strangers don't concern me as their feelings have no real impact on me. Love me or hate me, this is it and after a lifetime of being controlled by cravings for food I have the right to create my own little world where my feelings matter above all else.

Who am I? Who cares? I'm just like everyone else except I'm consumed with food. Depriving myself and indulging myself over and over and over...

My purpose is to have a safe place to talk about the insanity of the monster within that has compelled me to eat until I have become morbidly obese. I need a place to put down the ugliness of that monster, to reveal it's nasty face and to be relentlessly honest about how it has made me a crazy person who cannot cope with life.

And I can hardly cope at all....

So my secrets are going here, to be saved out in cyberspace for me and anyone else who cares to have a look. Don't say I didn't warn you, it won't be pretty....